Lately, I've been thinking. What kind of person am I? What kind of path do I want to go down in my future? When am I ever going to trust another person fully?(Hell, probably not anytime soon or in a few years) When will I ever fall in love? All these questions I wish I knew the answer (as they all do concern me), but doubtfully, the answers wont be coming to me anytime soon either.
I never realized how repetitive my life was until a few mornings ago when I was in my "thinking bliss" aka my shower. I realized that, I wake up, go to school, sit through the same four classes, go home, go on my computer, eat, go on my computer again, and I sleep. This is all the same cycle just until I hit the weekend where I'd probably spend the day at the mall playing DDR or just walking around looking at stuff that either I'd never buy or would never be able to afford. This kind of bothers me as I do want to have a change of pace. It's not like I want to be one of those outgoing people and end up being an inspiration to many people. I could care less about that kind of shit. I just wanna do something that makes me feel like... I've done SOMETHING. No, it doesn't have to be a public speaker, or going to Africa to build homes for the needy. No, none of that. I just want something to happen in my life. I don't want to just sit through it doing nothing.
Maybe its like a sign or something. The fact that I'm sitting on my ass here, typing to some blog about how unexciting and unproductive my life is, is just a sign that maybe I'm meant to be doing this. You're probably thinking, "meant to be doing this? No one's meant to do anything". Yes, that is true. But that fact I'm still sitting on my ass doing nothing doesn't change.
Just last night, I started reading for fun again (despite the fact that I stayed up until 3:14am reading). It was an actual BOOK this time, not like manga or any of that stuff I read online. It rudely reminded me of how there are people out in the world who just have a hell of a good time. Everyday. The protagonist is a poor (probably not that poor...I mean she DOES live in Orange County) girl that goes to school, hangs out with her majorly rich best friend, goes to parties/nightclubs/anythingyoucanthinkof and goes shopping every other day. You'd think this is pretty normal for someone living in California right? But no, not in this case. This person is 17 (or 17 1/2 as she emphasizes in the book) AND she still goes to school...
Now the question is, would I do that if I had the chance to? Maybe, I think I would be a completely different person given the circumstances. But with my current life? Hell, being at a party or a nightclub or whatnot would be just about the last thing I'd do. I mean for one, I hate being in crowds, I hate "hanging" with large groups of people, and for sure I don't "party". I'd much rather be at home, huddled by my computer, watching anime or doing something stupid like going on Neopets. Does that mean I'm satisfied with my life? Clearly not, as my whole post has been on how much I question my unproductive life. I said that, "given the circumstances" I would be a completely different and I do seriously believe that. If I lived in Orange County or something like that, no doubt I would have tried going to a party or nightclub. From there, I'd either hate it or like it. But knowing how desperately people try to fit in and stick with cliques there, I would probably do the same and end up "liking" parties and such.
What would you do if one of your closest friends suddenly decided to converse with you and just go "I have something to talk about with you. Like really. *serious face*"(to create more of an effect, imagine that this friend is like... just some random crazy person that you love to be with) And yeah, how the hell would you take that seriously "*serious face*"? You've got to be fucking with me. Well, and then this friend of yours suddenly tells you to stop bullying another close friend (you're all mutual friends btw). Wouldn't you just go like "wutthefux?" Well, that exact thing happened to me. Basically, this unimportant, third party, person I've only been close to with for about a year, steps in and tells me to stop bullying a friend I've had for as long as I can remember. At first, I was still kind of joking. But then he started going all fucking philosophical and saying all this shit about how "As a friend, I don't just stand back when I see my other friends getting hurt by someone" and to be honest, it was starting to piss me off. I was just like "Well, guess what? AS A THIRD PARTY MEMBER, I would fucking back off before you screw up 2 relationships instead of one." But no, he pushed it and ruined two perfectly fine relationships. There WAS no bullying going on. If there was, I really don't think that I would still be friends with "victim" because probably, she would have told me to fuck off in the 11 or so years that I've known her. But you know what? Screw him. My relationship with my friend has not changed at all. The first confrontation I had with her after that conversation was pretty damn awkward because this asshole made me doubtful of our relationship. After about 10 minutes, I've realized that nothing changed, she was still the same and probably never knew about him telling me all that crap. So luckily for me, my relationship with my friend has been spared.
All this has taught me one important thing. I've kind of went by life knowing this but never really thought of it in a way that would make me so questioning. People change and your friends, oh god, who knows how long you'd still be "friends" for. Two years? Two weeks? ...two days? But people DO change and people need to be prepared for it. I've started this whole act of mine about two years ago. I try not to make friends now. I mean, I'd feel bad if I did because I know, deep down, I'll never in hell trust them with anything. The "actual friends" I've have now? They're different. Most of them I've known since I was 5, the others... I don't know, they have their own kind of vibe. Call it my gut feeling, but I trust them. If my gut feeling just decides to crap out on me and it really turns out that one of these people betray me, then hell with it. I'll stick with the people that will be with me for a lifetime, my family. Even if parents get divorced, they're still related to you, by blood. Nothing can change that.
Anyway, this has been one long post. I bet I just made up for all of the days I've missed and I guess I'll post soon :)
nyappy~
